Increasingly, couples, not only young couples, but also couples who are facing a second or third marriage, ask for counseling with issues of differing religious beliefs as one of the primary places of disagreement. Here are some brief thoughts on this matter.

Couples who grew up in differing faiths or even different Christian denominations cannot long ignore the issues that will inevitably arise when the subject of children comes along.

For those who have never thought through the differences between religion and spirituality, these dialogues evoke feelings of frustration, misunderstanding or tension.

As ‘religion and politics’ are those two topics we have been told to avoid for social gatherings lest conflicts arise, in relationships, religion is the one of these two that needs clarity and understanding if the couple is to proceed.

The quote from the New Testament, John 14:6 and “I am the way...” is often interpreted by church denominations as ‘our way is the true way.” (See Jesus-is-Lord.com “Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to God”)

Dictionary.com gives the following definition:
Religion as “a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects” i.e., the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion."
Spiritual as “standing in a relationship based on communication between the souls or minds of the persons involved: i.e. a spiritual father." (Emphasis added)

Hmm. Rules or Relationship? Differing approaches entirely, involving different parts of the brain. A “masculine” and a “feminine” perspective.

How do I incorporate discussions of religious beliefs and spirituality into my psychotherapy practice? In my next post, I will review some of the more common issues and my approaches to them.

How to make the best use of your therapy sessions.

For those of you who want to make the most effective use of your therapy sesssions, here are a few suggestions that have been helpful for some clients.

1.  Arrive early to settle into a calm, thoughtful mood.

2.  Consider using a small spiral bound notebook to:
     - write an aganda for your session.
     - record some thoughts, feelings, or questions.
     - track events of the week.
     - record the suggestions made in sessions.

3. Consider writing your thoughts to the following questions:
     "What do I want to have happen as a result of therapy?"
     "How might my life be different after therapy?"

4. Ask questions of your therapist.

5. Between sessions, review what was discussed and recommended in your last meeting.

6.  Try out some of the suggestions made by your therapst.

By taking a more active approach, and viewing it as a joint venture, your therapy can become not only a problem solving session, but a transformative experience leading you to a better quality of life.  

A recent period of enforced solitude brought me back to thoughts of centering, introspection, sleep, dreams and the link to creativity.

Completing numerous year-end business tasks, and developing plans for the new year, left little time for quiet, introspective solitude during the past six weeks. My writing and Zentangle practice had been ignored. Finally, the universe forced solitude upon me in the form of flu symptoms that require horizontal quietness, sleep and dreams. During lucid moments, reading was an option.

In some of those half-asleep/half awake lucid dream moments, my mind pondered the connection between solitude and creativity.

During these moments, I often return to books I've already read, finding previously underlined passages in familiar chapters my favorite authors.

SOLITUDE, A Return to the Self, by Anthony Storr gives memorable quotes which I'd underlined during a previous episode of enforced solitude. I would like to share some of them.

"The capacity to be alone thus becomes linked with self-discovery and self realization; with becoming aware of one's deepest needs feelings and impulses."
"No man ever will unfold the capacities of his own intellect who does not at least checker his life with solitude."--De Quincey
"The act of drawing sharpens the perceptions of the Draughtsman; an idea passionately advanced by Ruskin If naming things is the first creative act, as Bazin alleges, perhaps drawing is the second."
"This is not healing through insight, nor through making a new and better relationship with another person, nor even to solving particular problems, but healing by means of an interchange of attitudes."

"… Maslow realizes that the creative attitude and the ability to have peak experiences depends upon being free of other people;  free, especially, from the neurotic involvements, from historical hangovers from childhood, but also free of obligations, duties, fears and hopes."


Wordsworth. "The Prelude"

“When from our better selves we have too long
Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop,
Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired,
How gracious, how benign, is solitude."

Friday at 4 PM is one year too late!


"Do you do marriage counseling?" a male voice asks; the desperation and fear evident in his delivery.


"Yes, I do." I respond.


“My wife just told me she wants a divorce. I think we need some marriage counseling right away. Can you see us this weekend?”


Perhaps once a month I get such a telephone call on a Friday afternoon between 3 and 6 PM.


What I want to say is the following: “Sir, you may be a year or two too late in making this telephone call. She has been thinking of this for at least a year. It’s that she is just now telling you. “


“No, she started having an affair a month ago. That is why she is leaving me.” The husband continues.


What I want him to know is what I have learned over the years:   Wives do not get up some morning and say to themselves, “Today, I think I will have sex with someone new and different.”


Instead, I say to them, “ If you did no maintenance on your vehicle, but ran it as long an no red lights come on the dash, what do you suppose it would mean for your vehicle when the red lights finally all come on at the same time?”


After a pregnant pause, the caller responds, “I guess it means I have let it go too long and now something really bad has gone wrong.”


“ Yes,” I reply, “ it may have been more than a year or more since that this has relationship has been drifting. “


“But she has not been complaining. We have not been fighting this past year. “


“That tells me when it was a year ago when she gave up on the relationship.”
“Should I make an appointment, even if she does not want to come?”


“Yes,” I suggest, “It is important that you learn some things in the process of this divorce. Otherwise, you will need to learn them in your next divorce.”


Men confuse a lack of conflict with having a peaceful relationship. Teaching men the process of doing maintenance on their relationships, just as they do on their vehicles or with their weekly business meetings is part of the divorce counseling process.

Why yoga classes? If I recommend some activity for my clients, I want to have had some direct experience of that activity. Otherwise, it seems phony to not have “walked my talk.” Having heard many clients complain about their yoga instructors, I wanted to see how class with this instructor would feel to one of my clients.

Julie is a yoga instructor I met at a psychiatrist’s open house held to market the practice as an ‘integrative approach’ to the whole person. As I unrolled my yoga mat at the first class, I noted that I was the oldest, and the only male in the class.

Julie greeted us, dressed in a yoga ‘uniform’, conservative, all black, form fitting attire worn by instructors in the yoga videos I had already watched and tried to imitate in the privacy of my TV room. Unlike the DVD presentations, her background music from an iPod docking station, created a soft, gentle atmosphere.

Sitting on a mat, on a hardwood floor, with bare feet, felt harder than the soft carpeting of the TV room, but afforded a secure footing for standing poses. The stretching was tedious at times, trying to pretzel my body into a pose that began to resemble what the instructor was showing and describing in her soft voice.
Near the end of the first class, I felt myself drifting off to lucid dream sleep; my mind wanting to go to dreamland, not the reality of the world around me.

Each succeeding class went better, as I learned from Julie to only take the stretches as far as my body would comfortably move. That was helpful.

Each succeeding class left me with a better frame of mind, more relaxed and feeling refreshed, but gave me a difficulty in making the mental shift to task orientation as I returned to my office for the remaining two hours left in the workday. 

By the fourth class, I found myself in such an altered state upon leaving the class. Seeing the world with visual clarity, heightened sensory awareness, and feeling like walking was a gliding process….a ‘high’ of sorts.

By the fifth class, which included ‘chair work’, I had become accustomed to that endpoint in the stretch that I could hold with just the right amount of tension that could be sustained for the two minutes of a pose.

The classes ended, with Julie taking a break for the holidays.

Now, I know the how the experience of yoga, much like meditation classes, when done on a regular basis, following an instructors lead, leads to that altered, intuitive state, one more pathway to that state in which one makes better choices with less fear and anxiety.

A state in which one feels more connected to others, and lives with a sense of awe, gratitude and wonder at what the universe brings to us in our ordinary daily experienced day.

I have begun writing my first novel. My friend Judi tells me that each November there is a national challenge of writing a novel in one month. The challenge is that of writing 50,000 words in one month; 1,667 per day toward a new novel. The goal is to complete a first draft, even a messy one; the editing and rewriting can come later.


 http://www.nanowrimo.org/


Why would I do that? For the same reason I began my first Yoga class last Thursday. For the same reason I learn a new German word each day on my iGoogle home page. For the same reason I do Zentangle art. And for the same reason, that in the past, I have learned to do meditation and tai chi, to fly an airplane and a hang glider.

Sometimes it helps to put oneself in the place of a beginner; to do something one knows that one cannot do well at the beginning. Sometimes it helps to challenge oneself to complete a task that seems so daunting at the beginning, one questions one’s sanity. A creative challenge stretches the mind and imagination that can never go back to its original size.

To start at a beginning, a place of innocence, no blame, is being a beginner traveling in a foreign land. These journeys make my life richer, giving me a sense of confidence and mastery. But, the journeys also bring me a sense of humility. For me, these are the journeys into a great sense of awe and appreciation for the abilities of others whose creative work I consume each day and often take for granted.

Judi is a published author who teaches creative writing classes. She is way ahead of me in this venture. I struggle to keep with the daily writing pace. Today is day 6 of the journey. I need only concern myself with today’s goal by writing one sentence at a time, just as Zentangle art is made “one stroke at a time.”


The novel will take care of itself; it will write itself into what form it wants. My place is to stay in my beginner role each day as I sit and write each next sentence as it comes to me.

The goal of this journey is not to win, but to enjoy the experience, and to finish well.