In the last two months, I have entered into two new relationships; one being with an Android smartphone, the other being with a dual core, dual monitor computer system.

I have had a mobile phone for my business since Sprint introduced the bag phones that plugged into the car lighter socket allowing me to talk while on in the vehicle. That was before cell phones, the size of a small brick, were considered portable.

Six weeks ago, I divorced my Blackberry Storm after a 20 month relationship that can be truly characterized as “stormy”. Imagine, a relationship with someone named ‘Storm”! What was I thinking? We never got along. I never learned to work with her.

Then, in February, a Droid X came into my life. My hands were all over her for this first month, exploring all the quirks, nuances and capabilities she had. Although it has taken a month to understand her ways, we are now partners. Not since Seven of Nine of Star Trek fame have I been taken by such a piece technology.

How is it that one approaches issues of spirituality in marriage counseling sessions? Are these questions not best handled by a minister, priest, or religious elder? Perhaps. Perhaps, when the topic is a theological or doctrinal question.

But my focus develops a communication process for a couple that not only brings clarity, but also a communication style that reflects their stated religious or spiritual beliefs. This is only a first step in a process that the couple will return to periodically during their partnership.

First, I want each individual to share what he/she remembers about their spiritual training as a youngster. What do you remember about what your church, your parents, or your grandparents taught you about religion, or spirituality in your growing up.? What was it that you were taught as a child?

What was your church or synagogue, or temple experience?

How have you modified some of those original beliefs as you have grown and have had new experiences? What part of your original teachings do you still carry or that bring you comfort in difficult times? What experiences and relationships have helped you rethink and reshape your own beliefs? Are there events, specific events that have had a major impact upon shifting your notions of spirituality?

Do you currently have any spiritual or religious practices, either weekly, or daily? How much are your religious or spiritual teachings of part of your daily thought life, or a part of your daily decision-making.?

How easy is it for you to express to your partner what your spiritual or religious views are? What is most central and most important to you?

How well do you believe that you understand your partner views and what is most central to them? What is your understanding as to the differences and the areas of agreement the two of you have on your views of religion or spirituality?

At this early point in the process, I am not stressing agreement or compromises; just a clarity of understanding.

Secondly, I want to know how much the couple’s views overlap, and how much is separate. How much emotion is attached to these differences? How much does each of them desire to find that common ground? Can the each focus on what is the common ground? Or are they fixated on the differences?

Does their approach to this discussion, how each of them conducts themselves, reflect their stated spiritual beliefs? How compassionate can they each be when it comes to tolerating differences?

And, most importantly, how much is the quality of compassion a part of their daily thought life?

Developing this dialogue process, helping each of the partners to describe the nature of their internal beliefs gives the couple a way of connecting during critical crisis moments in the years to come as they face unexpected events or experiences.

That is what makes this issue important part of marriage counseling sessions.

Increasingly, couples, not only young couples, but also couples who are facing a second or third marriage, ask for counseling with issues of differing religious beliefs as one of the primary places of disagreement. Here are some brief thoughts on this matter.

Couples who grew up in differing faiths or even different Christian denominations cannot long ignore the issues that will inevitably arise when the subject of children comes along.

For those who have never thought through the differences between religion and spirituality, these dialogues evoke feelings of frustration, misunderstanding or tension.

As ‘religion and politics’ are those two topics we have been told to avoid for social gatherings lest conflicts arise, in relationships, religion is the one of these two that needs clarity and understanding if the couple is to proceed.

The quote from the New Testament, John 14:6 and “I am the way...” is often interpreted by church denominations as ‘our way is the true way.” (See Jesus-is-Lord.com “Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to God”)

Dictionary.com gives the following definition:
Religion as “a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects” i.e., the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion."
Spiritual as “standing in a relationship based on communication between the souls or minds of the persons involved: i.e. a spiritual father." (Emphasis added)

Hmm. Rules or Relationship? Differing approaches entirely, involving different parts of the brain. A “masculine” and a “feminine” perspective.

How do I incorporate discussions of religious beliefs and spirituality into my psychotherapy practice? In my next post, I will review some of the more common issues and my approaches to them.